willimakeitintoheaven.com

I don't really want to be forgotten

I want to meet people all the time

Thats kind all i know how to connect with

I really want to feel alive

Because i felt alive

Im listening to nostalgia by weekend

It always moves me

Somehow

I think there's something si very real about certain feelings

I like feeling them again sometimes

I love the music i made with anto

That was very special and dear to me

I cant forget that

It really is about love in the end haha

I had been thinking about a lot of things to write down once I had the chance

Truthfully the chance is there very often but I simply forget.

Now that I take a moment to write I have forgotten or lost most of what I intended to write about.

A man plays his guitar in the background of my inner world

The curtains remain closed

A bed to be made and a mind to be cleared

The days have been treating me well

Not my best work but I enjoy them

Memories of summer have taken their steps back already yet I still intend to live more.

To enjoy to live more

I enjoy it all a lot actually

I’m having a wonderful time

A wonderful exploration

I intend to not take things so seriously anymore

I love grown up people in basketball jerseys, like waiting on the train in a basketball jersey

I've been wanting to actively remember song lyrics again

Peoples necks are bend and their teeth have fallen yet they talk about the economic benefits of living in germany

Kids look at the vending machine with awe, hands on the glass.

We are so strange

I rejected buying bicycle gear in the decathlon

There's always something to need

Then I bought new earpods

Maybe I shouldn't use them too much

I have the key

A cow called abondance

Turns out his kid is wesring the same basketball uniform

And now I cry

Everyone has become too occupied to respond to texts anymore.

I have become too occupied, too self occupied to respond to texts anymore.

I’ve been starting to feel like everything is indeed moving towards a state of total chaos.

Like it is all genuinely becoming more abstract.

I wonder if people felt the same getting older or if even the older people feel that now it is truly becoming more chaotic.

I guess I thought about Moldova a lot today.

I had such a beautiful time there.

I see it all so vividly still.

Anastasia is such an amazing person, I’m so happy we met.

I’m also okay with the distance now

There’s something likeable about everything changing all the time and feeling estranged from what once was.

Good night

I like the idea of John Berger, to suggest that there can be messages through something other than the language we have come up with.

That a drawing of a plant can contain a language unknown to us.

I think that’s the idea when you really love something but you are unable to decipher what it means, only to understand the meaning weeks, months or years later.

I suppose I’ve been wanting to write a lot more now that this website is online, yet I haven’t made it a part of my routine to wake up and write. Tomorrow I’ll wake up and write.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the usage of language and the reality that follows. How much words shape the outcome of things. I am becoming more aware of their effect.

Still have to fix the time stamp thingy.

I am awake, it’s one day before my birthday, I’m finishing up my summer course at catalyst. Today I want to work on some modular stuff and try to create natural sounds with modular. I am going for a swim in a moment and im curious how that will make me feel as well. To swim before school. I think my chair is slightly slanted and I don’t like that. I still don’t like how little i’ve been reading, it seems every summer makes that a difficult task, solitude is not as present. I am excited to perform and feel alive, one should feel alive and be on the edge of uncomfortability more often, yesterday willem dafoe said in antichrist: “Remember, what the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve”. I think that’s corny but then I realised it’s actually true and I tend to overlook these messages in the name of complication. I think my 26th year will be one of experimentation.

I’m overwhelmed. I want so much..

And it’s constantly not enough. I’m happy to go to the netherlands for a few days and decompress

8 days before my birthday

I watched a show on hbo called the dark wizard.

It’s about Dean Potter, a guy who did a lot of free soloing and went into flying with a wingsuit and then crashed in the end (ofcourse). He speaks about his first memory being a dream of falling to his death, and these faceless beings next to him that tell him he should fly. All his life he’s been trying to proof this dream wrong. I had to cry watching this.

10 days before my birthday

I have tendency to dream that me, my dad and my brother die while being on an adventure before any of our birthdays occur, or at least this happened about 3 times.

Now I dreamt about myself, myself as a child. I think it’s because I realised I always looked a bit tired and that maybe I was, since in the dream I as a child was crying because of how tired I was and I tried to console myself and apologise for that I never knew, I don’t remember very well but I believe the child ran away after this and that I kept on looking for him but I just couldn’t find him.

I guess you stop caring at a certain point about whether or not you turn 26.

I’m annoyed at the names and numbers we put to things. I am annoyed that people believe the names and numbers, maybe I am annoyed in general. Feeling like some people weren’t taking me serious or aren’t taking me serious, aren’t taking my ideas and projects serious. That upsets me. It was not in me to verbally defend myself in that moment for I don’t want to mistake my feelings for what is actually happening, i may very well be insecure. What is the feeling? Why do i feel it? Its the typical feeling were i feel as though i don’t present myself too seriously, i joke around i take things lightly, until the point were people. I changed my mind i think it’s whoever wishes to perceive me a certain way can and i won’t change that in those moments but I can not for myself that I wish to express myself better, and don’t want to be around people too much with whom I don’t feel seen and fairly so who I don’t see that well at the same time.

Haven’t read much in the last days, haven’t had much space for myself in the last days Id love to have that. Also realised we do definitely get stupid in the heat and my brain is unable to concentrate on these hot days

I suppose I can give myself a moment to write again, summer has started although it’s taken a calm turn in terms of adventure happening. I find myself being not so explorative socially which is normally something I love in the summer, I still love it. The thing is time and how I prioritise it. I have a full schedule with my summer course, the next few days are incredibly hot, I am still meeting my friends a lot of times (most nights this week I’ve hung out with people.), I have the EP rollout to work on in all kinds of ways, I have a near full time job, and I’d love to read in the mornings and evenings, but also I need to make music for the next project already, and workout tbh. Somehow this has been manageable it sounds like more than it is in reality I feel like, but I do wish to get more organised in terms of my schedule and doing what I have to do when I set myself out to do it.

I wish I had the time to write more I feel im always in a rush and then sleeping. I started school now and summer is hot.

I think we all need something to go home to—that after a long night of being social, of working, of drinking, of walking, talking, and the like, you go home to something you love. It could be a thought, an idea, an instrument, a toy, a machine, a book, a pencil, a feeling, a couch, a movie, a script, a bike, a clock, or a passion; whatever it may be that drives your excitement on the way home. You need it for you to want to explore yourself and the meaning of life through the love of something. Anything.

I read today that you don’t exist these days unless you're on the internet (this was already written in 2007). I know half of me has morphed into the digital world, and I think of all the writers and all the artists who got home and wrote, played, read, looked, thought, and interacted with their passions. I fear we wouldn’t have them in this age—at least, some of them. I think Charles Bukowski would have gotten home drunk and just looked at his phone until he fell asleep. I fear everyone would have gotten home and looked at their phone until they fell asleep. I fear everyone is going home and looking at their phone until they fall asleep.

To decipher depth.

I yearn for depth.

To decipher depth.

My dear endless document

I awoke, after 15h of sleep ( I didn’t sleep the day before in the airport), had 2 coffees, started working and I am currently watching licorice pizza by paul thomas anderson.

“It’s modern edge, out there, sleep and dream technology, liquid luxury for you”. Identity. Why pretend like you can’t act, won’t act when you constantly act. I wish advertisements didn’t have to lean to science or fake science to sell now. I’d rather fall for the old tricks. A playful dance in this amphitheatre. All I read is plays, dances and acts. This summer will be an act.

I feel I always want to write something beautiful, write something that surprises myself or capture something that I want to remember. I have been thinking of writing and the feelings I want to write down or the moments I have been processing in my mind. Right now, sitting in our new hostel in Essaouira, I feel drawn to explore the feelings I have not given so many thoughts. How close I felt with Masha, how I was high at primavera with all my friends. How I didn’t talk to anto as much or in the way I would have liked to. I always wish to have a 1on1 moment with my friends, I find it most beautiful, it always takes a warm up though. I can’t wait to make a song to cry to again. For me to sit under a ceiling or a dark sky and listen. I think of Jens saying how he would listen to “liever alleen” by himself in the alps, all alone. He has a house now with Charlotte. It makes me so happy, it also makes me happy that I don’t know everything sometimes. That I don’t feel as close to his inner world. It feels as if that means it’s just a little more at peace. I’m happy for my dad, I’m happy for my mom. I’m sad I don’t know how to approach Jeremy at times, especially at this time. It’s so rough for him and he stands so tough, I guess he feels he has to be tough. Marley and Kila reminded me of how you should speak your mind and let people know what you think when you think it. I always feel people would know regardless but that’s simply not true. I do not speak my mind as much as I should, I always feel the moment has already passed once I know what I want to say. I love everyone so silently. But I feel the whole world inside of me you know. I appreciate the desire in yannis to connect to foreign places, his ability to speak to strangers. I feel I’m learning a lot about myself again and I don’t want to take it into isolation for me to forget about. I miss masha in an unhealthy way sometimes, like loving out of fear of loss, you should love something and be able to lose it at the same time. Idk. I’m so blessed.

Thinking about identity, it’s fragility. My identity as an artist, where i wish to be placed as an artist, which is really about feeling accepted by those that I appreciate as artist or really in actuality the people I so happen to be surrounded with socially. I think it's mostly about this, whether those people like me and people like them. It’s realistically a trap for you’ll end up catering to a certain aesthetic, a certain sound and all that comes with the pattern recognition of the group you wish to be a part of. But the realization has come that I don’t wish to be a part of that so deeply, that I’d like to find out my own core more deeply and thoroughly and embrace the scariness that it carries.

To dig deeper into my own being, the things I love

I want to write everyday now that I’m getting closer to the release date of the project. I wonder when the website ends up going online. I was thinking about the name too and I should stick with my first idea based on the spotify bio that I already have for 2 years. To call it willimakeitintoheaven.com the concept is really lovely but at the same time I suppose by sharing my diary I’ll limit what I say in a sense so it’s not a genuine question whether or not id make it in to heaven based on these pages. I could kill someone and I obviously wouldn’t put it in. Also I don’t think I’d write that in any diary. On top of this i don’t want to go to this classic idea of heaven I think maybe I just want to die and be nothing or nothing related to what I’ve been. I believe you just get tired of living at some point. No idk. I’ll always ponder.

I freaked out yesterday about space and that there really is such a thing surrounding this planet and that we are exploring it and such it freaked me out if i was in space id also freak the fuck out I don’t understand how people go to space and not completely freak out and that’s exactly the problem with space travel that the people who go are no emotional enough. I want an artist in space or a philosopher someone who can really finely critique the fact of space and freak out about it, then write down precisely why we should freak out about the void that surrounds us. Its insane. I also feel like im having 15 year old thoughts but hey hahahah

Train. Stuck.

The mechanical bug breathes, sighs, huffs and puffs like any lifesize bug would, emptying glands, sweating in the sun, hovering its own heat above its body.

I have been surprised lately at the body of mankind. The physical shape we are in most of the time, the mental state seems sharpened in a very rigid, specifically channeled way. The physical body seems to suffer from this conditioning. The physical body seems tired, weak, disproportioned and unable to perform the simplest physical tasks or activities. It seems to be good at sitting, slowwalking, waving, to bend over in a sort of half shaped armadilloesque form and to lay down. I don’t see much other potential in most physical forms. Concerning this is. I am hearing of pesticides in every 49 out of 65 products and how the chemicals that castrate frogs end up in our stomachs, about microplastics in testicles and so on. I hear about the reduction of dementia as well, about the power of grip and it’s relation to brain health, obviously the body is in need of movement and lots of it. My brain can only rest if its body has moved.

A bit clearer, now I wonder what the sun will do to my body and being this summer. Who knows me? Who will? Do I? I thought of the period in which I took methylphenidate more often and pondered about my existence those days. Sort of interesting how the weather relates to your states and I’m only curious about the summer in relation to last year. I was not thinking clearly it seems sometimes but then it always seems like this in hindsight. I think the diary is such a perfect proof that you were just fine in those days, merely occupied with other thoughts and heat and such. Whenever my writing changes I’ll know, you’ll know too, if I showed people the 4th chapter of Ulysses and said I wrote it, would they applaud me for it? It’s acclaimed when it’s acclaimed sometimes.

I have no idea where to start sometimes, this is good

My brain puzzles up, curls up, twists like a cloth soaked in water, frowns and makes my brows frown. I struggle with the shaping of thoughts, the clearheaded steps to thinking and the ability, simply, to perform to task at hand appropriately and without struggle. This is good. I am supposed to untie the knot and unclutter the thinking. For that’s exactly where the difficulty lies. There is merely an idea and no action has met it yet. Now the first step of action is clearing this thought up and getting it out, the next part is more strenuous and needs to be dealt with. I have three things to do and the not doing is the only thing that makes it feel like running in a dream, like an invisible wall or walking through water. Update following.

9 days after my dad’s birthday. My family has an interesting thing going on as my mom and her sister are born one day after each other and my dad and his sister have exactly the same thing going on. I dreamt that i was at my old house, a house with the number 13, i now also live in a house with the number 13 and I always believed it’s my lucky number, my roommates lucky number is also 13. I was in my house having some sort of gathering and masha was making out with someone else. I got really upset and told her to leave, she was quite indifferent about it since I wanted her to be upset by me not wanting to see her again. Then later another scene occurred where I was with someone who was really in to me and wanted to have sex, I tell her I don’t have condoms and she tells me to look for them in her bag. As I’m looking i’m trying to find a way for me to tell her I don’t want to have sex in actuality as it all felt rushed and I didn’t want to have sex without telling masha. I find it so interesting to have 2 scenes play out with each character in one dream. Also interesting how I perceived Masha with me thinking it would upset her if I tell her to go, I think I want to control that feeling sometimes but it’s really not something I would like consciously. It’s best to have a look at these dreams, i’ll tell her about it later. Now i continue work. Its 10 in the morning.

I dreamt of turning 26 yesterday.

No

I woke up today

Not sure how to feel, opened the instagram app first thing in the morning

What an insane thing to do, so many impressions, such curiosity awoken

I must do my own stunts

What a dumb thing we are in where its all about productivity and constant proof of work

I am so sensitive to it

I watched kevin hart’s roast yesterday until 1.30 in the morning

I’m surprised I enjoyed it so much

7 days after my fathers birthday

I wake up after a dream or dreams that is, dreams of age and finance, dreams of sacrifices, dreams of the actual song sacrifices that I listened to when I was 19, that song i will listen to now. I cough like crazy but i think its the last bit of illness leaving my body, i dreamed of houses too. I often wonder how insecure you must be to want to be something or somebody so badly, I think i’m just nihilistic and existential. I want because I’m scared of the alternative really. I want to prove that the magic does exist. If i believed as a child in becoming known for my music and then this actually happens, then there must be something more to this. Michael Silverblatt said that he just likes to believe he’s having one big nightmare and it’s just him experiencing it, I also like this idea as an alternative, for with any thought about magic you can’t help but look at the lack of it in others, I’m simply extremely privileged and it makes things possible. Mid

Then there’s the thought of paralysis being the best way to live

For decisions require so much sacrifice that its simply too painful to choose

Coughing is violent, I want to go to the studio today. Lets see if thats possible.

6 days after my fathers birthday

I’m more sick but recovering well

Hopefully tomorrow it’s gone

Today i slept well

One should sleep in a cold room apparently

Im planning to be really healthy

Im already really healthy honestly

Now 3 days have passed since my fathers birthday and I have to overlook my finances.

How do I still struggle with this at 25? Who am I writing to?

Why is it so difficult to keep track of this? For me?

If anything I get better. And i simply need more income

I have no idea how some of my friends do it tbh

Today i’ll make some money tho it’s quite easy to make a little bit and then feel more calm

I’m also sick

But I keep in mind functioning well

Ugh

Whatever

I don’t think there is anything that invokes emotion like music

Dear companion

I could cry places for boats to sail

I could hit the freeway and fall in the wind like a hand from a window

I could watch the river pass by listening to water cry

Miserable and melancholic, with a secret sense of joy.

There’s a wink in death, the dead and the alive.

I am just like everything around me

Like a pale horse running

What a beautiful song

The week after the weekend.

Weeks upon weeks. I am thankful for the weeks upon weeks. The weeks turning into a blur, unable to remember which week was when and when was which week. The weeks are numbered, although i’ve never known the number of the week. Perhaps in school I did. I wake within waking and sleepwalk through my day until I wake

The best time is now and now is forever. It is the first time I make a black coffee at home, I don’t know how to make it but I believe its just water. I had black coffee on the train and it did something to me + oatmilk costs money that I don’t feel like spending. This weekend I won 40 euros in the casino and spend more than that on food as a result. Money is emotional and I’m more emotional than money. I, you and me, the days feel like they are in my control fully. In 5 min I have to start working. I’ll get enthusiastic about plenty of things today and I’m excited to write once more later this day and maybe make music later this night. Will text some people now and organise my week. Monday is to be started of right im very excited for whats to come.

I hope I’ll write about the train tomorrow

Mid-day, late in the day, early in the morning

Coffee, no coffee, coffee without caffeine, cheap coffee

Punctuation, lack of grammar skills

Files on top of files, my unorganised computer slowly becoming more organised

Anything that wants to stay organised requires discipline

The room, the city, my computer

I

The being behind my eyes

Breathing, waking up, awake

Nothing told me to be yet here I am

Awake

Still in the morning

Spring is beautiful

Feeling the sun on my skin is beautiful

But I want so much

I think we love each other best with our guards down

I had been wondering what the difference was between our meeting on the 3rd of april and the weekend that we saw each other in a group

Its when we have our guards up that we don’t recognize each other

I’m not sure why I don’t feel like writing, I know why I don’t want to do my laundry. Is my diary just an endless notation of figuring myself out? Does it say a lot about our society that everyone has a “goal”, some sort of place where we need to be to feel accomplished? Are we all just perpetually unsatisfied with our surrounding? I think yes because the wheel simply does not stop spinning. If you have a moment of rest and satisfaction it’s naturally fleeting, this is how time works. But the fleeting goes accompanied with tasks to make money and unless you are constantly on top of things the tasks for the money get worse and worse and it’s harder and harder to get out. Me and someone I was dating wanted to interview people I don’t remember the exact concept but I think it was about people and their relationship to being lazy.

And so I was on the phone with my dad and he said he’s busy, I said aaa you are busy?

He said no I am lazy, I said what’s the opposite of lazy? He said active, I ask so are you active, he says no I am lazy, i say why are you lazy? He said I’m lazy because I want to make my life as easy as possible and so that’s why he’s busy now.

I had a dream of me finding my diamond ring again

It was strange as I knew i would find it again and I remember being so sure of everything

My mother was finally saying that she thinks the whole music thing is not going to work out and that maybe I should look in to doing something else with my life, i remember trying to convince her and not feeling all to confident either. I woke up with a sense of clarity again

Energy

I woke up with lots of it

We talked about energy continuously yesterday, me and yannis that is

We talked and sometimes when I talk to a person it easy heavy on my head, i sleep restless for the conversation lingers along and all the words scramble around and try to find a place, my

How long until identity doesn’t desire to be, to exist without thought, pure action, movement after movement and perhaps an enjoyemsnt of the momentum? Oh to like without reciprocation it gets so confusing at times. To like the dress but the shirt as well and find no reason of N INBETWEEN, TO LOOK FOR THAT WHICH YOU LIKE BUT ONLY IN connection to being liked for it. I FIND THIS ALL DANCING BETWEEN FUN AND EXHAUSTION CONSTANTLY, LIKE EVERY OTHER THING IN LIFE BEING THE CONSTAANT PUSH AND PULL GAME. ONCE MORE I HOPE TO BE MET WITH MADNESS BY THE MORNING, LIYYLE CONSIDERATION FOR THOUGHTFULNESSS AND AN OVERWHELMING MOTIVATIION FOR THE TASKS AT HAND, I REPEAT EVERY DAY WITH A QUEST, AND END EVERYDAY UNFULFILLED, THE DIFFERENCE DOESN;T MATTER